Groceries Gone Wild

In Canada, Food, Tolkien on February 10, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Want to know a weird fact about me?  No?  Well here it is!  I really enjoy grocery shopping.  This probably has something to do with my passionate love affair with vittles, but whatever, I don’t analyze.  (Who am I kidding, I would analyze analysis itself.)  Tolkien, in contrast, hates grocery shopping so much that he actually volunteered long ago to forever do all the bathroom cleaning if I would forever take care of all the household food purchases.  Can you believe how thoroughly I got the better end of that deal?  After almost 6 years of marriage I’m still afraid he’s going to wake up with a start one day and demand a renegotiation.  So nobody mention it to him, you guys.

It has occurred to me, however, that grocery stores are required to be all things to all people.  I mean, they have to carry your upscale organic soymilk as well as your Uncle Cracker’s Fried Pork Rinds.  The Wall Street Journal alongside US Weekly.  Whole wheat fiber-enriched ditalini vs. Hot Pockets.  In covering this spectrum, a few outliers inevitably sneak in.  Join me, won’t you, on a tour of the bizarre at my local supermarket?

Please excuse my crappy camera quality and let me clarify for you that the label helpfully describes this product as “semi-boneless.”  Because fully boneless would just be gross.

Now, I love our British friends.  I feel a totally unwarranted affinity to them.  One time, upon meeting two women from England, I screeched excitedly “I’m Canadian!” with the full expectation that they would clasp me to their bosoms as a long-lost fellow patriot.  Their silent, politely disinterested looks coupled with the fact that they were quite clearly questioning the quality of my geographic education taught me that just because we both have the Queen on our currency, Brits don’t think of me as their cultural sister.  I’m still bitter about this harsh lesson, which is why I’m going to make fun of their culinary cornerstone.  Wikipedia tells me that spotted dick is a “steamed suet pudding,” and I think that’s all we need to know.

Wow, hope that advertising team got a bonus for coming up with this appetizing handle.

This is not sketchy at all!  The anatomically questionable drawing of a colon totally gives me faith in its efficacy!  Although I could see the appeal if you happened to sample that potted meat product.

OK, this is not a dubious product, but notice the price tag.  $14.99 for a kitchen timer!  $14.99!!!!  I made the mistake of dropping our timer on the floor the other day and apparently fatally injuring it, as it then would not stop ringing.  Off it went to the graveyard of broken household items, as I foolishly thought I could just replace it.  But fifteen dollars for a plastic timer?  Peanut can jolly well count on her fingers and toes and be a human timer if that’s how much it’s going to cost.  (Note to self: Teach Peanut how to count.)

My good mood was restored in the Nutella aisle, though.  I mean, I didn’t buy any, but I just stood there inhaling its luscious scent and feeling my endorphins surge.  Of course, to do that, I had to unscrew a few of the caps, and remove some of the safety seals, and then security got all mad, and now I’m no longer welcome at my neighbourhood supermarket.  So where do you guys shop?  Will you take me?  🙂

  1. I have been meaning to comment on this post ever since I first read it four days ago. Thanks, Much, for helping us appreciate the ridiculousness that is all around us. It’s like stopping to smell the roses, but different. Your captions, as always, are hilarious; your blog, as always, is delightful. Thanks for sharing! I might whip out my camera phone the next time I go to Kroger (or, when I’m feeling fancy, Harris Teeter).

    • Oh, Harris Teeter! How I mourn the absence of the Teeter in our current locale! It totally does make you feel like it’s someplace upscale, when in actuality it’s still … just a grocery store. Teet!

  2. Dear Much,
    You’ve renewed my enthusiasm for grocery shopping! You forgot to mention that as we’ve become more conscious of reading the ingredients in foods, the whole experience becomes extremely time consuming. Nonetheless, I must admit that I share your love. Thanks for another entertaining blog!


    • Leena, you are so right. Ingredient lists and nutritional information are the simultaneous joy and bane of my existence. I mean it’s great that we are legally entitled to them — I’m always taken aback when I see a foreign product that doesn’t provide all that info I’m so used to. But take sodium, for instance — if you start looking at labels to try to find something with less salt than the Dead Sea, you will leave without buying anything. And still be hungry. And in my case hunger and frustration are a dangerous combination. I aim to one day have serenity like yours 🙂

  3. What’s wrong with Hot Pockets?!?!? Allow me to answer my own question:

  4. I’m going to assume that by “Nutella aisle” you mean an aisle that just includes Nutella among other products.

    …But if you actually mean an aisle devoted to Nutella, then I’m on my way.

    (I’m kind of on a reading spree of your blog now, by the way)

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